to anything. at all. school, friends, work. nothing. why should I? schooling is a waste of time and money. I’m never going to use a degree for shit. friends? they don’t need me dragging them down. they’re off to bigger and better things and wont need me. work? I cant work, so I don’t even know why I think about it. there is pretty much no point to my life.

I hope so. and I hope everything gets better for you

yeah, I know. and they’ve all been there and been so supportive, but it doesn’t lessen my guilt :( thank you for telling me though. it’s always comforting to hear people understand how this feels

all I want is a hug and a kiss and someone to tell me this is going to be alright.

it sounds girly and….. needy and weak. and I usually hate shit like that.

but I really need it.

well, I didn’t. I never let myself hope because if I hoped that things would get better, I would always be disappointed that they don’t. if I hope for a future like I wanted, it would hurt that I couldn’t reach that.

until I went to Arizona. I felt so much better and felt good for a while after I got home (minus the first two days at home) that I started to hope. I remembered all my dreams for where my life could go and the places I could visit and hoped that I could reach them soon.

but I’ve been down and in my bed, tired for about a week now. and I realize that I cant. this is my day to day life and I cant do what I want. I have to reel it in. and it hurts. it hurts so much. it hurts me in all the places my CFS and fibro cant reach. I just want it to stop. I want to hop out of this illness and into a life where I can do it.

I want all this pain and upset and illness just to leave me alone.

my life is such bullshit.

I’ve been really tired for about a week and today I was exhausted, but I figured I could handle going to a friend’s house and sitting on their couch.

I guess not.

I was gone for about an hour and I crashed. worse than I have in a LONG time. I was shaking like a leaf, sweating, my heart was pounding, I was panting & I honestly thought I would be able to get up off the couch to go home. it was awful.

I had plans tomorrow to try walking with a friend again, but I had to cancel because I know I wont be able to do anything tomorrow.

so, now I am lying in bed crying because I am so flaky.

I try so hard to keep plans, but I’m constantly canceling last minute because I feel awful. and then I wallow in guilt. I know it isn’t my fault, I know, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling bad for being so fucking unreliable. I used to be so good with plans and I’m constantly dropping them. I have the greatest and most understanding friends but I feel like they have to resent me for always canceling and flaking.

I feel like such a shitty friend. I don’t deserve them.

still.